It must be great to be black. It must be wonderful to know that your government is always thinking about you. And that the media, churches, Hollywood, universities, big companies, everyone agrees that black lives really, really matter, and that anyone who says “white lives matter” is a fascist. Believe me, black people, you have never mattered more.
President Joe Biden set the tone in his inaugural address. He worried more about “racism,” “white supremacy,” and “systemic racism” than about Covid, or the economy, or anything else. He promised to “root out systemic racism.”
He’s been in office only a few months, but he’s already gone to bat for you. “USDA Debt Relief for Minority Farmers is a Certainty.” That’s for Covid. The article says there will be“$4 billion in debt relief for Black and other socially disadvantaged farmers.” As Senator Patrick Toomey of Pennsylvania explained, “Meanwhile, if you’re a poor white farmer in rural Pennsylvania and you have a $100,000 loan, you get nothing.” How great is that?
Restaurant owners will get up to $5 million per restaurant in Covid money. But don’t worry. “Most white men have to go to the back of the line, even if their losses are larger or their need more pressing.”
When the country started giving out Covid vaccines, the New York Times wanted to know who should get the vaccine first? Harald Schmidt of the University of Pennsylvania explained that even though old people are more likely to die from Covid, you come first. “ ‘It is reasonable to put essential workers ahead of older adults, given their risks, and that they are disproportionately minorities. “Older populations are whiter,’ Dr. Schmidt said.”
Coleman Hughes of the Manhattan Institute explains that “The CDC is recommending the vaccine be given to essential workers before the elderly, even as they acknowledge that this choice will result in more deaths. Why? Because the elderly are less racially diverse.” They’re white and they’re old; so they can die. A lot of states took the CDC’s advice. “Vermont is putting BIPOC people at the front of the vaccination line. Here’s why it’s a great idea.” BIPOC? We used to have “people of color,” OR POC. Now we have BIPOC, which is black, indigenous, and people of color. Black people come first. “Indigenous” is mostly for show.
For example, last summer, when the state of Oregon opened up a $62 million fund for Covid relief, there was none of this BIPOC stuff. It’s for the “black community.” That was after Oregon had already “allocate[d] $200 million from the federally-funded CARES Act Coronavirus Relief to specific communities and sectors of the economy, including specifically for Black communities.” Pretty nice, huh?
Meanwhile, Evanston, Illinois is the first US city to issue slavery reparations, and experts say it’s a noble start. If you or your parents or grandparents lived in Evanston before 1969, you could pick up a check for $25,000. But only if you are black.
“Oakland will give low-income families of color $500 per month, no strings attached.” It’s going to be “a guaranteed income project to give hundreds of Black and Indigenous families and people of color $500 per month for 18 months.” Indigenous? In Oakland? There aren’t many Cherokee to worry about. This is for you, black people.
Just last month, there was “Historic Progress on US Slavery Reparations Bill.” No confusion here either about “BIPOC.” This is only for you, even though slavery ended 156 years ago.
You know something else? You never have to say “thank you” for any of this. Because everyone agrees: Whatever America does for you, it’s never enough.
And you know that everywhere in the country – and I mean everywhere – diversity is top priority. A few women and Hispanics may cash in, but you know that diversity is really about you. Remember: Joe Biden could have chosen anyone he wanted to be vice president, but he chose a black person. And Joe Biden could appoint anyone he wants when there’s a vacancy on the Supreme Court. Guess what? He has promised to appoint a black woman. Pretty cool.
And wasn’t it great when the New York Times – the most prestigious paper in the country – announced “Why We’re Capitalizing the Word Black.” It’s because you people are so important. “White” is still lower case because we’re not important.
And don’t you love diversity training? It’s all about black people. Just this year “Coca Cola Asked Its Workers to be ‘Less White’ to Fight Racism.” White people are supposed to stop being like white people – and be more like you.
Disneyland claims to be the happiest place in the world, but it turns out it was full of racism. This month, employees learned that America was founded on systemic racism – against you – and that all white people have unearned privilege. And this is the really cool part: White employees were told “not to question or debate Black colleagues’ lived experience.” You get into an argument, all you need to say is, “That’s my lived experience, white man,” and you win.
There are so many reasons it’s great to be black. White men who used to be heroes are coming down everywhere –and the main reason is that you don’t like them. I’ve lost count of how many schools that used to be named for George Washington got new names, but the first time it happened was way back in 1997: Blacks Strip Slaveholders’ Names Off Schools, says the New York Times. As a local activist explained, “To African-Americans, George Washington has about as much meaning as David Duke.”
And the great thing is whenever a white guy takes a dive, it’s not a different white guy who takes his place. It’s one of you. They’re going to take Andrew Jackson off the $20 bill, but they’re not going to give it to Thomas Edison, or General Eisenhower.It’s going to be Harriet Tubman. It’s magic. Black magic. It works every time.
You are loved in places you never even thought about. National Geographic says the “Colorful World of Birding Has Conspicuous Lack of People of Color.” Only four percent of bird watchers are black. White bird watchers have, and I quote, “pulled together to try to bring more minorities into their community, staging a series of conferences called ‘Focus on Diversity.’ ”
The New York Times wants to know: “Why Are Our Parks So White?” They’re open to everyone, but hardly any blacks come. So parks have to change in every way they can think of to make you want to come. As the Times says, “The park service needs to shout to minorities from its iconic mountaintops, ‘We want you here!’ ”
Black people don’t do as well at math as white people, and now we know why. Math instruction is racist. That’s why the State of Oregon has adopted this plan to “dismantle racism in mathematics instruction.” It works by “dismantling white supremacy in math classrooms by making visible the toxic characteristics of white supremacy culture.” (page 1) When you got bad grades in math, it wasn’t your fault.
In fact, nothing is ever your fault. Crime, illegitimacy, venereal disease, you all shooting each other. That’s all our fault. It might have been a close thing with all the violence against Asians by blacks that’s going on – like this really nasty broad daylight attack in New York City caught on video – but even that wasn’t your fault.The University of Washington explained “how white supremacy, racist myths fuel anti-Asian violence.” Janelle Wong, who teaches at the University of Maryland explained that blacks attack Asians because both groups are “victims of white supremacy.” You’re off the hook.
Google loves you. You ask it to look up American inventors, and here are the top eleven. Nine are black.
And what happens when you ask Google for “happy white women”? I count six happy black-white couples, and two happy white women holding black babies. Not one white couple. It’s clear that only black people can make white women happy. Try looking up “happy black women.”
But I have bad news. It’s only white people who love you – and there are fewer of us all the time. Down the road, Chinese and Mexicans could be running the place. They’ve got their own sob stories, and they sure don’t want to listen to yours. They’re not going to fuss over you the way we do. So enjoy the good times while they last.